I will continue to say this again and again: I am so so so HAPPY! The happiest I’ve been in a very long time. I’ve made those same sentiments on here before and I won’t stop because it’s the best feeling in the world. To finally feel good about myself. To finally feel positive and strong. To feel content with who I am and where I am going.
Being this happy has put a lot of things into perspective for me. I used to want to wear makeup because I wanted to look pretty to other people. I wanted to lose weight because I wanted other people to think I was attractive. I used to wear sunless tanners because I didn’t want other people to think I was super pale (which I am). I was constantly trying to change my body to make it into something I thought other people wanted. I thought my outward appearance would determine how happy I was. If I could just be pretty enough then people would like me and then I would finally be happy.
Newsflash: that’s not how happiness works! That’s not how your body works. When you love yourself and love your body exactly the way it is, that’s how you become happy. And your happiness allows you to make the changes to your body that are important and meaningful to you. It stops being about appearance, looks, and other people’s perception and instead becomes about your health, well-being, comfort, and confidence with your body.
I’ve been coming to a lot of those epiphanies lately. I’ve never been one for fashion, makeup, skincare or anything like that. Not because I didn’t want to have fabulous skin or amazing makeup or incredible clothes. I would get frustrated with myself that I never looked as good as the people in the magazines. I was a perfectionist and I felt if I couldn’t look exactly like the models, then I would never be pretty and no one would care about me. Super convoluted logic, I know.
Recently though I have been paying more attention to my routine. I’ve picked up a skincare routine that’s low maintenance, but makes me feel good. It’s not about ridding my face of pimples for someone else. It’s about feeling great because my face feels smooth and fresh. I’ve been paying attention to the clothes I wear. What makes me feel good? What makes me self conscious? Makeup too, something I thought I would never get into. I’ve figured out what makeup I can wear that gives me that extra spring in my step without making me frustrated or taking up too much of my time. All of these changes are not about other people but about myself.
My next step in my relationship with my body is dealing with food and how it relates to my overall health. I have a very complicated relationship with food. I love it all and I can never say no. I will eat anything and everything until I am stuffed to the brim. But when I do that I feel down on myself. I get a high eating that pint of Ben & Jerry’s, but 15 minutes after I finish it all, I hit a low. I get down on myself and beat myself up. I hate the cycle of overeating, feeling guilty, then overeating again. It’s a huge hurdle in bettering my relationship with myself and it’s the next thing I’m going to take on.
I’ve tried to lose weight before in a variety of unhealthy ways. But this time it’s different. It’s not about other people. It’s about me. It’s about feeling great and energized. It’s about being confident and comfortable. It’s about understanding that my mind and body are one and the same. One cannot be without the other and to punish my body only hurts me as a whole.
Today is the start of a healthy journey that I hope brings even more happiness into my life!