Lately I’ve been feeling in limbo. I can genuinely say this is the happiest I’ve been in a long time, maybe even in my entire life. I feel confident in my capabilities and my ability to face challenges. I have a solid network of loved ones around me. But still I have this nagging feeling of limbo. That I’m waiting for something, that I’m waiting for my life to take off.
It’s an incredibly frustrating feeling. I feel as though I’ve been working my entire life trying to get to a certain place. Work hard in high school to go to college. Work hard in college to get a good job. Improve your skills and go on interviews to find an even better job. Work on yourself and find happiness as an individual. Meet someone and fall in love. Well I did all those things. I did well in college. I have a job I don’t despise. I am in a loving and committed relationship.
So why do I still feel so blah?
Is it because I have been programmed to continually be striving towards something? Is it because my job isn’t fulfilling enough? Is it because my long distance part of my relationship is wearing thin? Is it because I don’t have a tight-knit friend group here in DC? Is it because I still haven’t fully given up on my perfectionist tendencies?
I cannot fully answer those questions right now. Maybe it’s a combination of all of them. What I do know is that I find myself thinking a lot more about the future. Thoughts like “when I have this in my life, then I’ll feel content” seem to be common. And the this can range from a group of girlfriends, a garden, a home with my boyfriend, a dream vacation, a great wardrobe, a fantastically decorated apartment, another cat, and/or a passion for baking.
I have this idea in my head of what I think my life should look like, what I want my life to look like. I want a cute little cottage home with my boyfriend. I want to garden full of fruits and vegetables. I want to spend time baking and cooking. I want to spend more time in nature. I want to feel connected to my friends. I want to throw dinner parties. I want to spend less time on the internet. I want to help animals. I want to meditate and practice yoga.
I don’t really have any of those things now though and maybe that’s why I feel in limbo. Because I feel as though I am waiting for them. When I have this, then I’ll be content. It’s a dangerous trap to fall into and there can be two solutions. 1. Appreciate what you have right now at the very moment. Again I can say that I am the happiest I have ever been. I should not allow this limbo feeling to take that away from me. I have come so far and I have accomplished so much. I need to acknowledge that and completely revel in it. 2. Work for what you want. If I am feeling unfulfilled in an aspect of my life, I need to actively go out and change it. If I want a closer group of friends, I need to search out those people. If I want to bake, goshdarnit I need to preheat that oven and get to baking! These aspirations are not going to just be handed to me. I won’t turn 26, or 28 or 35 and all of a sudden have that ideal life I’ve been searching for. I need to create it.
So that limbo feeling, it can be pretty awful. It can be a hazy gray over your entire day to day life. And it can be hard to banish. But I know I am going to try!